After 12 years of conducting their Celebrate Marriage conferences with over 20,000 couples across the country, Jay and Laura Laffoon have discovered some interesting things about how people view marriage.  While conducting a survey of over 2000 of their participants, the Laffoons stumbled upon some issues that led to the culmination of their new book entitled THE SPARK: Igniting the Passion, Mystery and Romance in Your Marriage (Baker Books; January 15, 2008).  

“Early in our marriage,” writes Jay, “I tried to communicate to Laura the longing I had to be sexual with her.  So I said, ‘Laura, to me, sex is like the air that I breathe.’  To which she promptly replied, ‘Then we’d better find you an oxygen tank.’  It wasn’t surprising then to us to find that the men in our survey thought about sex 2 ½ times more often than women.  Likewise, women look at sexual desire as a decision while men believe it is simply instinctual.  Laura and I learned early in our marriage that many of our intimacy struggles come from unmet and unvoiced expectations.” 

THE SPARK in a marriage, as Jay and Laura describe it, comes from five facets of intimacy: Social Intimacy (“you need to have a strong friendship”), Mental Intimacy (“you are BOTH intelligent and can capitalize on each other’s strengths”), Emotional Intimacy (“you have to keep emotional energy in your tank to give to your spouse”), Physical Intimacy (“sex isn’t about the act of intercourse, it’s the glue that holds marriages together”), Spiritual Intimacy (“bringing Jesus to the center of the relationship is the key to a life of Celebration”). 

After meeting on a blind date in 1984, Jay and Laura were engaged only ten days after meeting each other. Ministering together in the Youth for Christ organization for 15 years, the Laffoons gained tremendous insights into marriage and family issues and took the leap to start their own conferences in 1995.   

The Laffoons’ Celebrate Marriage conferences differ from many “like” events in several ways: 1) They host couples at weekend retreats in some of the top quality resorts in America; 2) Jay calls the conferences “man-friendly”—presentations that men will enjoy as much as women; 3) Jay and Laura share teaching duties and both use humor, music and Biblical truth in their presentations; 4) Jay and Laura emphasize the things that work in couples’ marriages rather than “beat couples up for the things they do wrong”; 5) Jay and Laura are open and honest about their personal battles with overspending (Laura), pornography (Jay) and communication (both).   From the responses they receive, the Laffoons estimate that 80% of the couples attending their conferences are significantly helped in their marriage relationships, and around 10% have been saved from possible divorce.   

Jay and Laura emphasize the element of “being one” in THE SPARK, which they break down into the “Institutional” and “Mysterious” aspects of marriage. “Owning a membership at a fitness center doesn’t make you fit,” says Jay. “Oneness is like the membership…yea we want that and it’s important, but being One is daily doing the hard work it takes to get into shape.”   

Jay grew up in Petoskey, Michigan and attended Taylor University, graduating with degrees in Biblical Literature and Music. Jay served as an Executive Director in Youth for Christ for 15 years. He is one of a handful of certified instructors from Dynamic Communications International.   He also serves as chaplain for the PGA Tour. Laura grew up in Atlanta, Georgia and attended Montreat Anderson College and Belhaven College in Jackson, MS graduating with a degree in Social Ministries. Jay and Laura live in Alma, Michigan with their son Torrey 16 and daughter Grace 9.

“The Spark” is intimacy. Now that doesn’t mean just sex or just being emotionally close, we believe there are 5 facets to intimacy that all work together.

Social Intimacy – you need to have a strong friendship

Mental Intimacy – you are BOTH intelligent and can capitalize on each other’s strengths

Emotional Intimacy – you have to keep emotional energy in your tank to give to your spouse

Physical Intimacy – sex isn’t about the act of intercourse it’s the glue that holds marriages together.

Spiritual Intimacy – bringing Jesus to the center of the relationship is the key to a life of Celebration

No they are all interconnected and necessary to strengthen marriage 

6. You make the point of being one in a marriage but how does that differ from having oneness with each other?

7. You mention in the book that there is more to a marriage than following intuitional “rules” like fidelity and responsibility but that marriage has an important, mysterious aspect to it as well.  How are they connected?

8. We can assume that intimacy occurs naturally in a marriage but if you don’t agree then now is a good time to tell our listeners your thoughts on making intimacy happen.

9. There is a telling quote in your book: “For a man, when all is right in the bedroom, all is right in the world.  For a woman, when all is right in the world, all is right in the bedroom.”  How do couples reconcile differences such as this in a marriage?

10. You speak primarily to married couples, but how you date can obviously impact a marriage.  Is it useful to use these intimacy tips while dating or can it be useful to visit your dating days to give intimacy a kick-start in your marriage?